What to do with the ashes of a loved one?
So, your loved one stipulated they wanted to be cremated, or you decided this was the best option for them. Now the funeral director has called to say their ashes are ready to collect and you have no idea what to do next. Do you keep them at home in a cardboard scatter tube for years on end? Many people do, but not necessarily out of choice, more so, out of lack of better ideas or more frequently, because the family can’t decide on one particular fate for the ashes of someone you held close for so many years.
Firstly, I would like to point out that you can do more than one thing with ashes; you can keep everyone happy and have several ways to remember your loved one. For example, your loved one may have said they would like their ashes scattered in the sea in Cornwall where you went on family holidays, but you don’t want the permanence of scattering their ashes and being left with nothing to remember them. So, you could take half of their ashes to Cornwall and keep the other half at home in a beautiful urn, such as a Life Treasury Book.
Popular options are listed below, along with common pros and cons of each option. Hopefully, this can help in your decision as to what to do with the ashes of your loved one.
1. The burial of ashes within a cemetery, crematorium garden of remembrance or woodland burial ground. Please note: when you purchase a grave for cremation ashes, you’re only purchasing an “exclusive right of burial” in that site for a fixed number of years, typically around 35 years and the price ranges massively from around £500- £3,000 plus a memorial plaque which is on average about £900-£1000. Pros of burying ashes: it gives you and your family a place to visit and the memorial plaque allows your family to see your loved ones’ name. Cons: it can be expensive if you wish to disinter (remove) the ashes because once your lease has lapsed, the site is reused if not renewed. Also, some cemeteries or crematorium gardens require an annual fee to maintain the grave. If you move away or are busy, you may go years without visiting. In the UK, you are legally allowed to bury ashes on private land with the permission of the landowner. Whilst this may sound a lovely idea to have your loved one buried in your garden or a local woodland owned by a friend, it might be wise to consider what happens when you move house, or the land is sold for development or other use?
2. Scattering their ashes, whether in a location of meaning to the deceased/family or in a garden of remembrance or cemetery. Scattering is currently a popular choice and has somewhat of a loving ceremonious ring to it, but it can be far from that in reality. Therefore, several points need considering before doing this to make sure it is suitable for you. Pros: scattering can often be a very cheap (if not free) option as you only need to purchase a scatter tube. If the location you wish to scatter their ashes is far away from home, you can make this into a little holiday with your family for a final goodbye to your loved one. Cons: Although I just said it is often free or inexpensive, if you need to travel or pay for accommodation to scatter the ashes in a specific place, it can be one of the most expensive options. There is also often no way to identify the exact location where you scattered their ashes on revisiting the scattering site. This may cause distress and limited opportunity to connect with your loved one, with no name to see and visit, both for the person(s) who scattered the ashes, but also for other people who were in your loved ones life, and for future generations. The deceased gets forgotten over time and only personal effects and pictures held with particular family members are left behind. Just as important is that the location where ashes are scattered may change, which is a common and very distressing occurrence whereby a beautiful public woodland gets developed into an industrial park or housing or taken over by a private entity not allowing access. Another note is the actual act of scattering ashes can be somewhat different from the image we have in our heads. I've heard descriptions of scattering ashes as clumsy, clumpy, sharp and sticky, none of which match the fairy dust image I had in mind. Also, don’t stand upwind.
3. Keeping them in an Urn at home is a lovely way to remember your loved one. There are lots of different styles available to suit your home and different sizes depending on whether you want to keep all the ashes together, or scatter some and keep some, or if multiple family members wish to have some of their ashes. Keeping ashes at home is a common choice, as it maintains the closeness with your loved one. For our family, this was the default, as we didn’t like the permanence of scattering or burying the ashes, but everyone is different. Life Treasury Home books offer a beautiful way to keep the ashes of your loved one at home, with a concealed section for the ashes, a small box for keepsakes to remind you of your loved one and a personalized photo memory book of their life, created by you and your family. Pros: maintains closeness with your loved one and there are various styles and price ranges to suit all budgets. You can also move them should you move locations or countries, and you can bury or scatter them in the future, should you wish. Cons: Some people don’t like the thought of having ashes of a loved one in their home, this is uncommon, however, if you are of this school of thought, perhaps a different location such as a columbarium might be more suitable.
4. Something unusual such as launching their ashes into space or making them into a synthetic diamond might be appealing to you although these can be extremely expensive, and the novelty may wear off once you have spent the money.
Hopefully one of these options is suitable for your family. Should you feel Life Treasury is an option, please do take a look here.